Well I've decided I need to lose weight. I'll admit that I currently weigh: 137.9kgs, I'm only 157cm. So it's a huge weight... And considering I'm not going to start growing to be 7 foot tall, I had decided it's time to lose the weight.
A few months ago I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. A very painful ailment that affects mostly my feet and hands. At night my legs just throb, and I end up just crying. Doctors have recently put me on three different kinds of medications in order to combat this. Unfortunately one of the medications is a very potent thing. And I have to have a liver and kidney test done once a month to make sure they are coping.
I have been drinking only coke... which alone isn't good for my liver or kidneys, so this is part of the reason for the change. One of the things I didn't want was to end up on dialysis because I've stuffed my kidneys. I've seen this hapening and it's not very nice.
So today is day two of my life change. I don't want to be on a diet, because diets are for celebrities who only need shed that excess water weight before they walk down the red carpet. This for me has to be a complete life change.
I believe strongly that the reason we put weight on in the first place is either a physical or emotional problem. I don't believe that healthy people gain weight. I know for myself, I emotionally eat, if I'm stressed, depressed or just feeling blue I eat. I like the comfort, but it's not enough to just simply eat carrots or food that wont cause weight, no... I need to eat hamburgers, chocolates, chips, lollies and cake. That is my comfort food. All the stuff that will keep my weight growing.
For the longest time I have bitten my nails, it was a nervous habit, and yet this year I have been able to get my head to a place where I have stopped biting my nails, and have grown them, I'm very proud of this achievment. I believe that the reason this has been able to happen is because I have got my head in the right place.
Warning: Some church bashing coming up!!
I was involved in the church, but I never felt that I could measure up. I never felt like I was good enough, I was always just Sam who they could depend on, to look after the kids, to wash the dishes, to do the admin. I was never the friend that they would call up to have a chat, or to come around and have a coffee.
I left the church, and I started school, there I felt like I wasn't good enough either, because I didn't protest hard enough, I wasn't green enough, I didn't dumpster dive, I didn't recycle everything. Everywhere I have gone I've felt like I never really fit in.
I had this while growing up at school. I never have really fit anywhere. As I said in a previous post, I'm a different egg to everyone else. But recently I said, stuff it, recently I decided that God wasn't the place for me, church wasnt' the place for me. I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter if I didn't get out there and protest, because I'm changing the world my own little way. I have met some people, I actually clean their house, and the lady, is the most lovely person, she encourages me to be me, she tells me how she has never been overly confident, but to simply be me is where the most beautiful confidence comes from.
And it's with this that I have been able to start this change. I have been able to sit back and for the first time in my 35 years, and truly say, I don't care if I'm not good enough for everyone, because I have a husband and three children that I"m more than good enough for.
Now please dont' think that everyone that is overweight has the same issue. As I said sometimes it's emotional sometimes it's physical. And the emotional stuff is your own.
But just remember and this has been quite a shock to me, you have a great impact on the people around you, and when you feel like you don't fit in, generally it's because you have a misconceived idea of how you are meant to fit in.
As I've said before I'm a very relational being, I need to be surrounded by people. I need contact, I need to talk to people. I love having people at my house, and sometimes have to reel myself in, because David isn't quite as relational as I am. I have often said, that when we own the farm, we are turning into a non-weird commune. But coming to that realisation that I do actually have people that really like me and want to be my friend, but I just can't seem to see it. I never realised how much of an affect I had on people, until recently when I finished school.
So I'm on day 2 of my life change. Day 1 was a really good day. And I plan for today to be a really good day. And if I desperately want chocolate, I'm not going to be denying myself. I'm going to eat it, I'm just not going to gorge on it. I have decreased my coke addiction from 10 cans a day to 2 cans a day. And I'm happy with that. I'm not going to give it up completely, I enjoy soft drink. I'm just going to make sure I drink coke zero instead. I don't think a life change means denying yourself of anything, it just means making some choices with what you put in your mouth and what exercise you do.
And who knows, my hubby might be lucky and I might get my sex drive back..... I'll just be happy to see my toes again!!
Love you all
Sam
xxx
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