Sam's Guide to Surviving being a mother of a teenager

I have two teenage sons and one son that is not far from being a teenager.... Here is my guide.


For teenage girls:

1. Buy a heavy duty lock for the door

2. Buy a Chastity Belt

3. Buy a shot gun.


For teenage boys:

1. Enjoy your poos, it's the only time they wont come looking for money, food, or some other annoying question.

2. Get a super soaker, it works great for preventing mating rituals...

3. Have an open door policy, just take them away...

4. Be sure to teach your sons about masturbation... "if you do it in the shower, wash it down the sink or I'll rub your nose in it"

5. Teach your sons about healthy eating "a pie, big M and jam donut are not all the necessary food groups".

6. Teach your boys that they are not too old for discipline "I brought you into this world, I'll sure as hell take you out, even if you are 6 foot"

7. Teach your sons about independance "While your living under my roof you'll do as I say".

8. Make sure they know the consequences of their stupid actions "If you break your leg, jumping off that friggin' roof, I'm not driving you to the hospital you will have to bloody walk"

9. Let them understand safe sex "You want your dick to turn green, your balls to shrivel and drop off?"

10. Teach them the value of a dollar "What you think I can just pull money out my arse?"

11.To teach them the value of not drinking threaten to attend every party with them, dressed in nothing but a lampshade, they will soon keep their promises.

12. And the most important lesson that we can teach our sons is to teach them early the value of out of touch dad jokes "here pull my finger"

Well that is Sam's guide to raising teenagers, now that I hope you are all well prepared, good luck and may the force be with you.


Love you all

Sam
xxx