I just want to feel something...

Wanna Feel something by Trace Adkins

If you're tellin me I'm not on fire
You're just preachin to the chior
I've gotten dull as old barb wire from living
Last night I watched the evening news
It was the same old same nothing new
It should have cut me right in two, but it didn't
I don't know why it didn't

Chorus 1-
But I wanna feel somethin
Somethin thats real
Somethin that moves me, that proves to me I'm still alive
I wanna heart that beats and bleeds
A heart thats bustin at the seams
I wanna care
I wanna cry
I wanna scream
I just wanna feel somethin

If you're tellin me thats just how it is
I don't buy it
Cause once I was kissed by a red headed girl with cherry lips
On her porch when I was sixteen
And I felt it somewhere in my soul and time stood still I couldn't let go
I can't tell you cause I don't know how I got so cold
When did I get so cold

Chorus 2-
I just wanna feel somethin
Somethin thats real
Somethin that moves me and proves to me I'm still alive
Run my fingers through your fingers
Cross your face and through your hair
Close my eyes and breathe you in like air
I just wanna feel somethin

I hate that I'm jaded and I make you cry
But still you stick around
Only God knows why
Damn it all to hell I'm done
Cause I don't like what I've become
Some come here baby
Come here baby

Chorus 2-
I just wanna feel somethin
Somethin thats real
Somethin that moves me and proves to me I'm still alive
Run my fingers through your fingers
Cross your face and through your hair
Close my eyes and breathe you in like air
I just wanna feel somethin


The above song is by one of my favourite country singers Trace Adkins.  But it sums up how I'm feeling at the moment.  I watch people who are so passionate about the different causes that they support.  I read about protesters every day.  And then I look at myself and feel so inadequate.

I don't feel really passionate about anything, I wouldn't go and get arrested for a cause, because I don't support anything that strongly.  I sometimes think is it because I walked away from the church and God? I don't know that it is, I wasn't really passionate about that either!!

The only thing that I have ever been really been passionate about was restoring my marriage to my husband.  But now that we are there, now that we are growing better every day, now that I know that I'm 100% different to the person I was.  I am left wondering what is there to be passionate about? What is there to believe in? What is there to support?

I believe in people, I believe in unconditional love.  But is that enough? Is it enough to simply love people. Does love truly change the world, or am I just hoping on something that is not real?

The reason I walked away from the church, is because I saw people who preached unconditional love, but then didn't practice it.  This left me wondering if they are the representatives of God, is that who God is? Is God this hypocritical mythical being that people have made up to make a quick buck? I don't want to believe that is the case at all, but everywhere I look, I see churches that are either cults or businesses.  I don't see churches that practice love.

I've always known that I'm a different egg to everyone else.  I have been able to read situations and people a little easier than I should, please don't think I'm psychic or anything, that's not what it is.  You know just how people give off that feeling.  Well I've been pretty good about being able to pick that up.

Today when we were going to the shop, we saw a man sitting on the side of the road under a big tree with his bongos and art set.  I really like that.  He was unassuming, he wasn't there for people to see, he was there because he felt the freedom to enjoy the world around him.  Compare that to the two women I saw yesterday who were standing at the end of their driveway, boxing and working out.  They were there so everyone could see them, I mean they had a whole enclosed backyard to do this in, why choose the end of the driveway? What was their agenda?


But this is all beside the point and I'm getting way off track.  Basically I'm feeling a bit low today because I really want to feel something, I want my heart to break, I want to be moved so strongly that I do more than just blog about it.  I want to make a difference in this world.  I don't want my name in lights, I don't want a noble prize or a medal.  I just want to know that at the end of my life I have made a difference. 

As I write however, I think, maybe I am making a difference in people's lives I just don't realise it because its not in the way that I think you should make a difference.

A lot of you may know I love Mother Theresa.  She is the woman that I admire most of all, and can't get enough knowledge about her.  She said something once that has stuck with me.  She said "People wont remember what you do for them, but they will remember how you make them feel".  Maybe this is the issue that I have.  Is I am being too focused on what I am doing in the world rather than working on the strongest thing there is, how I make people feel.

At the end of my course last year, we had to sit with each person we had done the course with and tell them what we felt about them, and they had to tell me what they felt about me.  One man that I sat with, began to cry and say that I had really touched his life in a positive way.  I was slightly gobsmacked, because I couldn't understand what I possibly could have done that would cause such a reaction.  I mean I'm just me.  I go through life just being me. 

But that is all it took.  Was just being me.  And maybe that is how we change the world is by being ourselves.  And all those times that I thought I was far to self conscious, maybe is not as real as I thought.  I say this because I don't feel it necessary to change who I am, or pretend to be something I'm not.

It's funny as I'm sitting writing this I think about the people that I've not let in my life because I don't trust them.  They are people who flash their money about, that talk a lot about their position at work, who like the two women boxing want everyone to look at them, while they hide behind the money, the fitness, the position, the good looks.  They use these things as a mask while their real personalities which are probably even more beautiful never gets a chance to get out.

I guess that's where I'm different.  I've accepted the fact that I'm not a beauty queen, that I don't have the body of a barbie doll and never will no matter how much weight I lose.  I've accepted that at times I will say the dumbest things, that I will be kicking myself for weeks.  I will fall over in public, I will have Nana Mac moments as we call them where I will fall for my dads jokes.  I am gullible.  I am a bit of a scatter brain. I don't have real fancy things, I will wear clothes with holes in them.  I wont shave my legs all the times, even the pits get hairy at times.  I'll accidentally slop food on me when I'm in public at times.  And maybe that is why I have felt so rejected so many times, it's not that I'm being rejected as it is that people want to be free but dont' know how to be.

One of the things I loved about New Zealand when I was there, was that I could eat in public without feeling that sense of shame.  Nobody took notice of me, everyone accepted me for who I was.  I had to laugh when I was there, as there were a few Samoan boys, who assumed because I was a mum that must mean I could cook....

But I guess I have grown up enough, to know to look at the positives of me rather than dwell on the negatives.  I know I can cook up a storm.  I know that I can write, I know that I'm a good photographer, a good mum and a good wife. I know that I can't sing but it wont stop me doing it!

Well this has got right off the point about being passionate, but in this I think I have found where I"m passionate.  I am passionate in seeing other women realise that it's ok to be them.  If our kids chuck a tanty in the shops we don't have to get in a fluster, just step over them and keep moving, or blame a random stranger about not controlling their child. We don't have to apologise to the person that comes over because you haven't put away the folded washing or there is one thing out of place.  My nana taught me something about cleaning, if you don't have time to do the dusting before someone comes over, just don't move anything.... that way it still looks clean.  That and burn eucalyptus oil in an oil burner, it gives that clean scent... And your company wont even look.  That's why man built doors on bedrooms, just chuck everything in there, and clean it later.  And if you don't shave your pits, just don't lift your arms.  And if you do, nobody is going to say anything because we are all just too polite..... either that or speak with a French accent!!

We are who we are.  And if we can't love ourselves how the heck do we love anyone else?


Love you all

Sam
xx


Ps - How HOT is Trace Adkins??? If I ever met him woooooo David might just want to close his eyes :P